Thoughts of an Insomniac

By 26 April, 2017Thoughts

What if I were to die tonight?
Will my dog wonder why Mumma hasn’t come home
Will he miss my goodnight kisses
And me chasing him around the house
Pretending to almost catch him and fail
Just to see him wag his little tail triumphantly
Because Mumma’s not as quick as he is
Will he wake up each morning expecting
To hear the sound of the hairdryer
His cue to enter the room and be reminded
Of what a good, good boy he is
Will he miss me dreadfully
And not be able to tell anyone
Not understand what has happened
Not realize that I would never leave him if only I had a choice

What if I were to die tonight?
Will my husband be able to sleep peacefully
Knowing that the empty side of the bed
Was where I used to smile adoringly at him from
Will he remember the feel of my fingers
Sliding between the gaps of his
And the sound of my laugh and the curve of my back
Whenever he pulls me close
Will he remarry and have children
Will his children bury him beside his second wife
Will there be jealousy in death
Or will the most important person in my life
Not matter the same way in my death anymore?

What if I were to die tonight?
Will my best friend be able to sit in a Starbucks
Without me sitting opposite him ordering him to order a coffee for me
Will he look at his phone and feel the strangeness
Of not seeing a stupid text from me everyday
Will my parents blame themselves for not protecting me
Even though I have always refused to be protected
Will they wish that they had kept me tied to their apron strings
Even though I have always been too out of reach to be even touched
Will they be able to reconcile my death with their faith
And believe that I am with God
Even though they always had doubts about my goodness

And if I were to die tonight
With concerns and regrets and things left unsaid
With worries and doubts and too much left to do
It would be fine – it has to be- because life is not perfect
And neither is death.

About Geraldine Tan-Ho

Geraldine is the Executive Director of LifeLAB Institute, an initiative aimed at abolishing the taboo of death and encouraging meaningful dialogue on life and death issues through mindfulness and creative expression.

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